Seeking Solace

I hate seeing people mourn, because I know I have nothing to give them. A kind word, an understanding sentiment, is all lost on me. That doesn't mean I'm not sad or don't care, I just have never mourned, myself, and therefore have no way to fathom it.

So you can see that when my sister, having just miscarried her third child, came to ME first for comfort, how absolutely terrified I was.

"I just can't do it anymore. I CAN'T DO IT."

"I'm so sorry Sarah."

"It's not just the baby. I mean it IS but it isn't. Now I can't even look at Noah anymore. Every time I try to see him, I really just see the baby. The babies..."

"You'll get though this I promise."

Then I hug her. I HUG HER. Why the hell can't I think of something deep, or even reassuring to say? Why do I have to be so useless? As I hug her she starts to cry and I know that she won't want to talk for a little while. The sad thing is, I'm relieved she is crying, so I don't have to say anything for a while. I wish I wasn't so goddamned useless, but I am. At least I have arms. So I guess for hugging purposes I can offer some comfort. So, that's nice, I guess.